SECTION ONE
1.
the breeze of the air
Is freezing me cold.
my dress and sweater
Are blowing around. the hair of the people
Around are in their faces. they're all
standing there
While you were buried.
12 feet underneathe
The gravel they stand upon. they're choking on their
Tears while the priest speaks. if only you weren't
Being moaned about. they wish that you were
Standing there, living and
Breathing and alive. your mourning wife remembers
Your kisses and love. your children remember
Your hugs and encouragement.
Your relatives remember
Your laughter and achievements.
Sitting in the sill of
This window watching your burial.
My cigarette dropped to
The ground before I closed the
Window shut.
2.
Oh, Please have me.
I've been waiting for hours.
It is unusually hot
But even with my clothes off
Without you helping
To get rid of this heat.
I can't do anything about it.
I'm offering My body.
I'm offering My soul.
This bed would be much comfortable
If you were in it.
I need your tongue on my shoulders
With your hands all over me
And your skin clammy and wet
From our bodies ...
I wish this blanket was you instead
sprawled out over me.
Sweat would cool me down.
3.
I want to smash something.
Torment, turmoil, turbulence.
Power bubbles 'neathe the skin
In the blood.
Self-conscious turns to conscious.
Tears, fists, and the evil look
In the eyes. I
'm alive. Very alive.
This brain is seeping
With misery,
With the thought
Of strangling.
These fingertips curl around
Your soft neck.
Squeezing.
If only there was a blade
between my hand.
Allowing your blood to flow
OUT.
Slowly, easily
Leaving a spot on your collar.
Deeper, deeper down.
4.
What we did Yesterday
Sitting there separated
from everyone.
The movie theatre
dark and cool.
With our jackets off.
Yours on your lap,
Mine behind me.
Your hands felt good
over my body.
I'm unsure of how
my hand felt down your pants.
It felt cold and
clammy & of extremely coarse hair.
Your tongue against my
cheek felt delicious.
If I only took it into
my mouth and let saliva slip in.
Your tongue against
my fingers felt incredible.
If only it further
down went on my body.
I'm wondering how
if we undressed each other there
what more would we feel
sitting there and delighting in
our little rendevous
in the back of the movie theatre.
5.
My hand just hangs there
on my schoolbooks
The rings silver, beads, and
moody
My wrist hangs out of my
opened sleeve
I have no use for these cuff
buttons
These sleeves wrinkled
It's very hard trying to
write with nothing to look at
but your hands.
6.
How do you say this?
I love you more and more but
My feelings are sketchy and frail
Like a rose petal falling on the grass
and being stepped on.
Like ice melting in the glass
with soda pop fizzing.
If only surprisingly you
kept me warm in your arms.
Or kiss me deliciously on
the lips with your tongue involved
and spittle swimming around
in my mouth.
Whisper in my ears you care and
hold me still.
You're leaving me feeling
emotionally deprived
and physically cold.
Don't you wish to hold me?
one day when you wake up
and find me gone
would you feel ashamed
and angry towards yourself
Leaving me alone to
resort to onanism.
I wait for you to do something
unplanned, spontaneously and now.
7.
People swear we're
out of our minds.
But we don't care
what others think.
They're just shadows
in the background
while we are the ones in the
foreground.
Fools we may be,
acting like
ourselves But our
minds say we're
fine.
Holding your hand
in front of them.
People see us kiss and delight in
each other's companionship
and wonder.
I don't understand
why.
Maybe i shouldn't
smear lipstick on
Or have
your hand up my skirt
sometimes.
Who are they to tell us
Don't put your leg there
to separate mine.
Don't be so amorous
in public.
Don't wrap your arms
around my waist.
Who are they?
Shut your trap about being
watched.
They can't tell us what we
can't or can do.
Shut up and let me
crawl into your lap.
You can't see them
in the reflection off
our eyes
when we kiss.
8.
It's not much different there.
You have to stand that's all.
They're against the wall
instead of the way we're used to.
I wonder how many hands it takes.
No not hands--just fingers.
Why was the floor wet?
9.
Remember when you told me
of all those things?
Were you telling the truth?
My friend told me you
said the same, altered.
Don't lie when you know it is
wrong.
Everybody can see through you.
Transparent in mind.
Speaking like that gets you
nowhere.
Hiding something won't help.
10.
I've never felt so alone
in my life.
There's certain days it gets to me.
People gloating and beaming
from being with their other.
Sweet little smiles of satisfaction.
Hand-holding and happy.
Tongue in each other's cheeks.
Oh, I love you.
I love you, too.
It makes me sick.
No one's there to say how admired I am.
Maybe it's just an ego improvement
I need.
It's annoying when people around you
have paired off and no one cares about you.
I have no expressions of insane cuteness.
No love letters. No hand to hold.
No one to open my heart to and be told
comforting words.
The madness of a relationship can't harm me
now.
I have no claims on anyone and no one can
hurt me.
My emotional ties are warped to the male sex.
Lovely smiles in a male companion aren't known
to me.
Excuse me while I try to brave my path alone,
hoping I don't stumble on my own with no one
able to pick me up & brush me off.
The clock stopped in
the hallway.
No one beat on the
door to tell me.
one day I just noticed
it not moving.
I rewound it and did
nothing more.
It's fine now.
Superficial to worry
about nothing.
Oh, never mind, it's
over with.
I'll go get my shoes.
12.
"I have a secret to
Come closer."
Sorry, had to be sly and
clever.
Had to kiss your lips.
The desire was too strong
and impulse too
overbearing.
did you enjoy it?
No?
Can we try again?
13.
You caught my eye the other day when you walked by. Quite reserved but happy in your glance when you looked back. "Good morning," you said to the
young girl who was sitting on the stairs slightly absorbed in the people around her. "Good day, sir," I told you back. Sitting down our conversation deepened,
until you had to leave. Every day your arrival was a welcome to me daily routine. The more days passed, the more anxious and anticipated I became. Seeing
your smile and easy laugh, life became easier. One day I found myself awake in bed wondering if you wore a ring because I never cared to know before. I was
staring at your hands and found nothing. Staring into your eyes warmth I felt filled me with hope you'd be mine. I went to sleep happy and determined to ask
you. You never came by again. Where did you go? I'm still wondering night after night what could of happened.
14.
"Boring is a state of mind."
Then why am I bored?
"Oh, there's plenty to do."
Then how come I can't find anything.
"Go find something."
I'm content being bored so leave me alone. "Then stop complaining."
Who said I was complaining?
15.
If only I could savour you
a moment more.
This taste in my mouth
couldn't of been better.
Please don't get off the bed
and then turn on the light, But
do keep on saying how sensual
this feels and how much you
don't want me to stop.
16.
That over there is nice,
but this thing closer is good enough.
Oh, if only I could make up my mind.
Do I want this or
that over there?
I'm so confused.
I wish I knew which would be better.
Can you tell me,
which would you prefer?
I just can't decide.
No, no don't choose for me.
I can do it myself.
It might take too long, though.
Someone else may get it before me.
I must decide soon
Before I feel too rushed.
I can't hurry but I can't worry.
This would be much easier a decision,
If only I didn't want both so much!
I only deserve one, not both.
Okay, this would be good for me
for these reasons.
On the other hand, that would
be nice for these reasons ...
17.
The weight on my mind
burdens me down.
It's impossible to shrug off
until it passes.
Maybe I should just kill myself
to rid of the toiling.
My head fills with these thoughts that won't go away. Could I get a headache, and have my head explode?
I wish my brain didn't feel so heavy.
Someone please come by.
So I could unload the matter onto you,
and have you with the heavy mind.
Yet, I don't know what to express.
At this rate, I'll forever feel
like my head can fall off
at any given moment.
18.
Sending mental messages,
They did get through.
You did as I wished so I sent another.
That happened, too.
Another one sent, another one got.
The endless chain was finally broken yesterday, when the receiver end
didn't get it and did nothing.
19.
The afternoon you came home
and found me sleeping peacefully
in your clothes,
I remember being awoken
and kissed all over.
Once I got up,
you begged me to wear mine.
"Of course," I said.
Throwing open my closet,
you chose from the selection
A long velvet burgundy dress.
Taking off your shirt in front of me,
I thought of how the muscles in your back
tense up in my hands,
while we're breathing uncontrollably.
Taking off your belt & pants,
Wasn't that what you took off me
last night?
Taking off your underwear,
It left me to curiously think
how your just being inside me
can make me come within seconds.
I didn't have to be curious for long
since after you slipped on my clothes
& smeared lipstick on your face
you crawled back to me.
I only wish that our clothes were
on for a little longer.
20.
Unbuttoned his shirt lay on
the wood floors,
While he was in my bed
claiming, "I'm yours."
How was I supposed to know
he was fucking lying?
Letting him gain entry
only to use me for this.
He filled my head with
all these wonderful ideas
of our little house,
of our future children,
of our future together.
You made me a whore
against my will.
I thought you loved me
but all you cared for was an easy lay.
I don't believe I can trust you anymore
when you say all my accusations are false.
I hope the next girl to come along
uses you the same way you used me.
21.
Maybe it would be better
If I shaved my head
and let it be decapitated.
Having a slow agony celebrating
Marie Antoinette and her end.
We need a basket and a
guillotine.
Dress me up in peasant
clothing and shout,
"Robespierre Lives."
Leave my head in the basket
Carry it to the ocean
Throw it in and let it float.
No, I'll keep my hair and
Rid my fear of heights.
Give me handcuffs and bind me
So I can't back out, but
be brave.
No, drug me with wine.
Hit me in the back of my bead
and Carry me into your
bedroom.
Rip off my clothing
and Make marks all over with
a carving knive.
Leave me into scraps
Buried in your backyard.
Take my head into your hand
With your other hand pointing
a gun
Pull the trigger and Have my
guts spill.
I don't feel like living
anymore
So do what you want
and have your fun.
I won't be around to care.
Maybe Jean-Paul Marat had
it best Being murdered
in his bath by Charlotte Corday.
Maybe that's the best way.
22.
The other day I was thinking
what it would be like
lonely my whole life.
It made me feel more
sensitively.
I don't like being alone and
feeling empty.
Paranoia does enforce
loneliness.
I just don't like the way
I feel.
23.
You have this power over me.
What did you do to me?
All it took was one thing.
How could something so little affect me so much.
I thought I was going to hyperventilate because I was in too much amazement.
My breathing failed me for that
moment after.
It didn't take up all my energy,
but I wish it did.
I could lay my head on your shoulders and feel satisfied
enclosed in your arms, but
I don't.
I want more of this passionate exchange. Heaven can't possibly be this good.
Blissful is the moments we spend
stretching our tongues into the deep crevices of each other's mouth.
You like the moments when my hair falls around your face while
your mouth is caressingly soft.
I like it when I'm pulled closer
by your arms draped around
my shoulders with your hands
in my locks of hair.
Oh! The strength of our mouths
refuses to let up!
Breathing in each other's fragrance
after we've had our session of love.
The air is clean and sweet.
I'm anxious for another moment of
lying on the grass and
savouring each other's mouth.
24.
I can't deny that
There is a distance between us.
People can't tell there's an air of sadness Because
there's no space between our bodies.
All they breathe is happiness
while I'm choking on depression.
Maybe we are only friends in your
mind But I feel more.
I don't want to keep acting like we
Because I know I'm not a good actress.
25
I was deep in sleep as morning passed because night shook me awake. Night refuses to let me close my eyes. It's like a lover who keeps you up by whatever way they can. It's not fair being alive when everyone else lies around. Adventure doesn't come when the world stops for a breath. As I recline in my bed, like everybody else does, I stare at my ceiling wondering. Is night jealous of morning? Lover, night, don't he. You are more beautiful of the two. Your air is more fragrant. I prefer you to my mistress. Much more calm and gentle you are. I've seen people move under your spell. You beautiful witch, casting encantations over every person. Damn you! You are a jealous lover! Refusing to release your hold on me. I've never been let out of your sight. I can never cheat and be unfaithful with you around the corner. Darling, I can never escape you. I will never try to escape you. You spend all your time Keeping me under your spell of loving you to make me want to try to leave you.
26.
Sitting on my desk, about to turn 4:58pm, Looking out my window and
Listening to Suede.
I'm doing nothing but suffering
from boredom.
Doing nothing, going nowhere but
watching cars go by.
One, two, three ...
I wish for rain & coldness,
but I get sun & warmth.
The trees outside are turning
red, yellow & brown,
although a few are still green.
Nothing is going on, but nature doing her job.
27.
Dripping wet, waiting under the awning.
I crave the comfort of a book
and some warm clothes.
Even my backpack is soaked through.
My novels and notebooks looking like I took a bath and dropped them in.
It's evident I need to go home.
If I go inside, across the street, I'd miss the daily trip there.
The train stop and chair dreary from the rain. My marrow feels soaked even.
Maybe if I wore a raincoat--I'd feel better--But I never do.
28.
Often I looked down
at my womb and wondered.
So many entrances and exits.
By the time I die,
I will have had periods, men & babies
encounter this place.
I've worn mens briefs to make it
stop whining.
It's constantly hungry and makes
me unable to think clearly.
I think it needs its bottle.
29.
Just what did you do to me last night.
After we got ourselves drunk?
All I remember was sharing some whiskey.
I've awoken on top, feeling your heartbeat, while you still sleep.
I've no idea of what we've done.
Could we of streaked around our block?
Could we of made love on your car?
What did we do?
All that remains is ripped clothing on the floor, besides the bottle.
How good was it--do you remember?
At this rate, we'll never know.
Doesn't matter--as long as I'm not regretful of anything that could of happened.
30.
Lying on the grass next to you.
I recline on one arm, the other flung around your body.
I'm leaning on your side watching you breathe. Your eyes 3/4 of the way fully closed.
I'm sorry, I like how your adam's apple feels against my forefinger.
My hands are always freezing, dear.
I think that's why I put my hands there.
As I lay next to you--loving every
moment--I could think of nothing
but how much I adore you.
31.
My head is filled with all these
strange ideas.
Mostly images of memories I hold
close.
I will never let go
of these things that haunt me.
32.
Do you see the starfish on the
ceiling?
Do you see them?
Lie down and focus.
Close off all surroundings and look.
Do you see them?
Before your eyes, they take shape.
It doesn't take much practice.
just look and they will be there.
Why don't you believe me?
I swear to you! Look!
There they are stars in the stucco.
33.
I couldn't stop giggling when
you tickled my sides as we lay
on the floor under the blanket
by the couch.
There's nothing better than your
touch and your arms and your body.
Nuzzling your face against my nape
It felt so good.
I think my head fell back from
sighing, half-drunk off your kisses.
I don't remember a thing of our whispering except, "I love you."
34.
Upon my discovery
I found a new way around.
Life is throwing me a curve.
The more I look, the more
I question.
My lover doesn't know the
truth that I crave something
else,
Something he can't give me.
35.
Often I look in the mirror
to see myself, but do I really
know who I am?
I want to know who I'm looking
at.
Do the insides match the outsides?
I see my eyes, my nose, my mouth,
my earlobes.
my expression reveals nothing
because it's blank.
I smile--I only see a smile.
I frown--I only see a frown.
If I have some form of madness
or depression, or whatever
I can't see it.
Why can't this mirror help me see
what I am?
Show me, I need to know.
Maybe if I turn off the light,
I could see into myself.
No, all I see is darkness.
The same if I close my eyes.
36.
I was asleep thinking.
Images of you & I flooded my mind.
What could happen between us But
doesn't.
If only I could wake and find this
a reality.
I moved my body around and shifted
over to the other side.
Was I still dreaming when I found you
in a chair, by the window, smoking a
cigarette, and gazing upon me?
37.
We sat whispering as the instruments
played.
I don't remember what song they played
as you caressed my cheek.
Our eyes turned to one another, not
the stage.
The cresendo of the music soared
when you put your left hand on my
thigh & kissed my neck longingly.
My sweater fell on the ground as you
wrapped your arms around me.
I hope no one saw us completely
unattentive.
You loosened the ornaments out of
my hair & let it fall around my
shoulders.
"I love your hair," you said as you
took a handful of it & let your lips
pass over.
As you kissed me deeper and deeper
you let your hands delve in and
explore the inside of my dress.
Halfway through the song our passion
relaxed.
It died with the song.
Only to have the musicians & us
start up again.
38.
I'm in love with no one.
No man has my hand in
marriage
Bonded with a gold or silver
ring upon our left hands.
I don't share my bed with
anyone.
I'm empty; no hopes of having
a child soon enough to continue
the generation.
No suitors to entice me with
flowers.
No one to savour my body.
Loneliness phone calls are out
of the question.
Snuggling in front of fires
are only silly dreams.
I'm not interested in whispering.
Not a hand will be touching me.
No fights, no tears, no fists.
No shoulders offered, none given.
My tongue stays inside my mouth.
I belong to no one.
Well, alright...maybe one.
39.
My mouth craves to be used
To have someone use and enjoy.
My lips want another pair
To mutually do what they want.
My tongue wishes for a surface
To discover and shape its
existence.
For the past two months
And almost another,
I've been deprived completely.
My last lover didn't satisfy
Making me wish for more.
Really, then, it's been longer.
I deserve better than that
piece of shit.
A certain someone has my
mind on him.
I doubt he thinks of me.
never have I asked, though.
Well, I just don't know. do.
I'll suffer a little more
And wait for its usage.
40.
I was standing there
Wishing, hoping, praying
you'd be present.
You never showed up.
I wondered where you were.
Today, I wrote your name
with an orange on the pavement.
My friend and I
said useless drivel about you
soon after.
About this time, two years ago,
I first laid eyes on you.
Only in my dreams
Have I touched any part of you
Or had a child of ours.
Truth and fiction are two different
things.
Fiction, I know everything.
I wish I love the person
But I love the image.
Something about my fantasies
placed you above the others.
You're gone off somewhere
yet a replacement, I haven't found.
But, I know I'll see you someday
A father and in someone else's arms.
41.
The incessant clock ticking at
this hour. Nineteen after 4 o'
clock in the morning. My mind
feels rejection. Alone again
without company. My body and thighs
feel hollow without someone inside
me. I need a man HERE craving for
satisfaction.
My lips want that. My hips want that.
My thighs want that. My hands want
that. My erogenous zones want that
Oh!
I want to feel full inside. Release yourself into me. My strength refuses
to match yours. A gentle shake won't do. Am I allowed to help you bring
me to orgasm?
I wish my pain would go away.
I can't do anything about it but wait it off.
Now, it's not possible to lose control
with myself.
I must wait, until I can.
It's now fifty-five after 4
o-clock in the morning. I hope it doesn't worsen. I just hope it
doesn't.
42.
Nine something at night With all the lights off.
Standing among other men and women,
I watched from the side.
It began with several tiny lights To guide your ways.
Then some other lights came on To guide your actions.
What colour was the light? Was it blue? Was it red?
Was it green? Was it white? Was it a combination of several?
I don't remember.
Six people there for all us strangers.
A gyrating singer My friend thought you should of fallen over.
A nodding bassist Offered a necklace, as if a God.
A musician extraordinaire Stopping to adjust the microphone stand,
scratching your beard, and for a two/three minute break.
Your violin definitely can charm along with your eyes.
A bespectacled guitarist Next time you'll get more attention.
I paid more looks to the artwork, and the others.
A blond drummer That's all I saw from where I was.
Someone's speaker was in the way.
Lastly, a bug-eyed keyboardist Anytime the others were out of the
way My attention was on you.
Vast memories fill my head. A (blue) hotel keychain thrown,
a coke bottle, Taking off of clothing, The moving around,
The hyperactive girls, And feelings of pleasant dreaming.
Coming back for more Staking your places in a row.
Lights still bouncing off. Casting black shadows over
pale, gaunt, English faces. Stools to accomodate-Only to be emptied, Except for one, Before it was really over.
"Hurry! Let's get this finished!", Ran through all six heads.
One didn't budge, the other too busy with four crowded around.
It being over, the real lights came on. Along with the others I was obliged to leave my spot. Deaf in one ear, with an elated feeling, My friend and I left the building. Rain lending itself to a perfect night.
the breeze of the air
Is freezing me cold.
my dress and sweater
Are blowing around. the hair of the people
Around are in their faces. they're all
standing there
While you were buried.
12 feet underneathe
The gravel they stand upon. they're choking on their
Tears while the priest speaks. if only you weren't
Being moaned about. they wish that you were
Standing there, living and
Breathing and alive. your mourning wife remembers
Your kisses and love. your children remember
Your hugs and encouragement.
Your relatives remember
Your laughter and achievements.
Sitting in the sill of
This window watching your burial.
My cigarette dropped to
The ground before I closed the
Window shut.
2.
Oh, Please have me.
I've been waiting for hours.
It is unusually hot
But even with my clothes off
Without you helping
To get rid of this heat.
I can't do anything about it.
I'm offering My body.
I'm offering My soul.
This bed would be much comfortable
If you were in it.
I need your tongue on my shoulders
With your hands all over me
And your skin clammy and wet
From our bodies ...
I wish this blanket was you instead
sprawled out over me.
Sweat would cool me down.
3.
I want to smash something.
Torment, turmoil, turbulence.
Power bubbles 'neathe the skin
In the blood.
Self-conscious turns to conscious.
Tears, fists, and the evil look
In the eyes. I
'm alive. Very alive.
This brain is seeping
With misery,
With the thought
Of strangling.
These fingertips curl around
Your soft neck.
Squeezing.
If only there was a blade
between my hand.
Allowing your blood to flow
OUT.
Slowly, easily
Leaving a spot on your collar.
Deeper, deeper down.
4.
What we did Yesterday
Sitting there separated
from everyone.
The movie theatre
dark and cool.
With our jackets off.
Yours on your lap,
Mine behind me.
Your hands felt good
over my body.
I'm unsure of how
my hand felt down your pants.
It felt cold and
clammy & of extremely coarse hair.
Your tongue against my
cheek felt delicious.
If I only took it into
my mouth and let saliva slip in.
Your tongue against
my fingers felt incredible.
If only it further
down went on my body.
I'm wondering how
if we undressed each other there
what more would we feel
sitting there and delighting in
our little rendevous
in the back of the movie theatre.
5.
My hand just hangs there
on my schoolbooks
The rings silver, beads, and
moody
My wrist hangs out of my
opened sleeve
I have no use for these cuff
buttons
These sleeves wrinkled
It's very hard trying to
write with nothing to look at
but your hands.
6.
How do you say this?
I love you more and more but
My feelings are sketchy and frail
Like a rose petal falling on the grass
and being stepped on.
Like ice melting in the glass
with soda pop fizzing.
If only surprisingly you
kept me warm in your arms.
Or kiss me deliciously on
the lips with your tongue involved
and spittle swimming around
in my mouth.
Whisper in my ears you care and
hold me still.
You're leaving me feeling
emotionally deprived
and physically cold.
Don't you wish to hold me?
one day when you wake up
and find me gone
would you feel ashamed
and angry towards yourself
Leaving me alone to
resort to onanism.
I wait for you to do something
unplanned, spontaneously and now.
7.
People swear we're
out of our minds.
But we don't care
what others think.
They're just shadows
in the background
while we are the ones in the
foreground.
Fools we may be,
acting like
ourselves But our
minds say we're
fine.
Holding your hand
in front of them.
People see us kiss and delight in
each other's companionship
and wonder.
I don't understand
why.
Maybe i shouldn't
smear lipstick on
Or have
your hand up my skirt
sometimes.
Who are they to tell us
Don't put your leg there
to separate mine.
Don't be so amorous
in public.
Don't wrap your arms
around my waist.
Who are they?
Shut your trap about being
watched.
They can't tell us what we
can't or can do.
Shut up and let me
crawl into your lap.
You can't see them
in the reflection off
our eyes
when we kiss.
8.
It's not much different there.
You have to stand that's all.
They're against the wall
instead of the way we're used to.
I wonder how many hands it takes.
No not hands--just fingers.
Why was the floor wet?
9.
Remember when you told me
of all those things?
Were you telling the truth?
My friend told me you
said the same, altered.
Don't lie when you know it is
wrong.
Everybody can see through you.
Transparent in mind.
Speaking like that gets you
nowhere.
Hiding something won't help.
10.
I've never felt so alone
in my life.
There's certain days it gets to me.
People gloating and beaming
from being with their other.
Sweet little smiles of satisfaction.
Hand-holding and happy.
Tongue in each other's cheeks.
Oh, I love you.
I love you, too.
It makes me sick.
No one's there to say how admired I am.
Maybe it's just an ego improvement
I need.
It's annoying when people around you
have paired off and no one cares about you.
I have no expressions of insane cuteness.
No love letters. No hand to hold.
No one to open my heart to and be told
comforting words.
The madness of a relationship can't harm me
now.
I have no claims on anyone and no one can
hurt me.
My emotional ties are warped to the male sex.
Lovely smiles in a male companion aren't known
to me.
Excuse me while I try to brave my path alone,
hoping I don't stumble on my own with no one
able to pick me up & brush me off.
The clock stopped in
the hallway.
No one beat on the
door to tell me.
one day I just noticed
it not moving.
I rewound it and did
nothing more.
It's fine now.
Superficial to worry
about nothing.
Oh, never mind, it's
over with.
I'll go get my shoes.
12.
"I have a secret to
Come closer."
Sorry, had to be sly and
clever.
Had to kiss your lips.
The desire was too strong
and impulse too
overbearing.
did you enjoy it?
No?
Can we try again?
13.
You caught my eye the other day when you walked by. Quite reserved but happy in your glance when you looked back. "Good morning," you said to the
young girl who was sitting on the stairs slightly absorbed in the people around her. "Good day, sir," I told you back. Sitting down our conversation deepened,
until you had to leave. Every day your arrival was a welcome to me daily routine. The more days passed, the more anxious and anticipated I became. Seeing
your smile and easy laugh, life became easier. One day I found myself awake in bed wondering if you wore a ring because I never cared to know before. I was
staring at your hands and found nothing. Staring into your eyes warmth I felt filled me with hope you'd be mine. I went to sleep happy and determined to ask
you. You never came by again. Where did you go? I'm still wondering night after night what could of happened.
14.
"Boring is a state of mind."
Then why am I bored?
"Oh, there's plenty to do."
Then how come I can't find anything.
"Go find something."
I'm content being bored so leave me alone. "Then stop complaining."
Who said I was complaining?
15.
If only I could savour you
a moment more.
This taste in my mouth
couldn't of been better.
Please don't get off the bed
and then turn on the light, But
do keep on saying how sensual
this feels and how much you
don't want me to stop.
16.
That over there is nice,
but this thing closer is good enough.
Oh, if only I could make up my mind.
Do I want this or
that over there?
I'm so confused.
I wish I knew which would be better.
Can you tell me,
which would you prefer?
I just can't decide.
No, no don't choose for me.
I can do it myself.
It might take too long, though.
Someone else may get it before me.
I must decide soon
Before I feel too rushed.
I can't hurry but I can't worry.
This would be much easier a decision,
If only I didn't want both so much!
I only deserve one, not both.
Okay, this would be good for me
for these reasons.
On the other hand, that would
be nice for these reasons ...
17.
The weight on my mind
burdens me down.
It's impossible to shrug off
until it passes.
Maybe I should just kill myself
to rid of the toiling.
My head fills with these thoughts that won't go away. Could I get a headache, and have my head explode?
I wish my brain didn't feel so heavy.
Someone please come by.
So I could unload the matter onto you,
and have you with the heavy mind.
Yet, I don't know what to express.
At this rate, I'll forever feel
like my head can fall off
at any given moment.
18.
Sending mental messages,
They did get through.
You did as I wished so I sent another.
That happened, too.
Another one sent, another one got.
The endless chain was finally broken yesterday, when the receiver end
didn't get it and did nothing.
19.
The afternoon you came home
and found me sleeping peacefully
in your clothes,
I remember being awoken
and kissed all over.
Once I got up,
you begged me to wear mine.
"Of course," I said.
Throwing open my closet,
you chose from the selection
A long velvet burgundy dress.
Taking off your shirt in front of me,
I thought of how the muscles in your back
tense up in my hands,
while we're breathing uncontrollably.
Taking off your belt & pants,
Wasn't that what you took off me
last night?
Taking off your underwear,
It left me to curiously think
how your just being inside me
can make me come within seconds.
I didn't have to be curious for long
since after you slipped on my clothes
& smeared lipstick on your face
you crawled back to me.
I only wish that our clothes were
on for a little longer.
20.
Unbuttoned his shirt lay on
the wood floors,
While he was in my bed
claiming, "I'm yours."
How was I supposed to know
he was fucking lying?
Letting him gain entry
only to use me for this.
He filled my head with
all these wonderful ideas
of our little house,
of our future children,
of our future together.
You made me a whore
against my will.
I thought you loved me
but all you cared for was an easy lay.
I don't believe I can trust you anymore
when you say all my accusations are false.
I hope the next girl to come along
uses you the same way you used me.
21.
Maybe it would be better
If I shaved my head
and let it be decapitated.
Having a slow agony celebrating
Marie Antoinette and her end.
We need a basket and a
guillotine.
Dress me up in peasant
clothing and shout,
"Robespierre Lives."
Leave my head in the basket
Carry it to the ocean
Throw it in and let it float.
No, I'll keep my hair and
Rid my fear of heights.
Give me handcuffs and bind me
So I can't back out, but
be brave.
No, drug me with wine.
Hit me in the back of my bead
and Carry me into your
bedroom.
Rip off my clothing
and Make marks all over with
a carving knive.
Leave me into scraps
Buried in your backyard.
Take my head into your hand
With your other hand pointing
a gun
Pull the trigger and Have my
guts spill.
I don't feel like living
anymore
So do what you want
and have your fun.
I won't be around to care.
Maybe Jean-Paul Marat had
it best Being murdered
in his bath by Charlotte Corday.
Maybe that's the best way.
22.
The other day I was thinking
what it would be like
lonely my whole life.
It made me feel more
sensitively.
I don't like being alone and
feeling empty.
Paranoia does enforce
loneliness.
I just don't like the way
I feel.
23.
You have this power over me.
What did you do to me?
All it took was one thing.
How could something so little affect me so much.
I thought I was going to hyperventilate because I was in too much amazement.
My breathing failed me for that
moment after.
It didn't take up all my energy,
but I wish it did.
I could lay my head on your shoulders and feel satisfied
enclosed in your arms, but
I don't.
I want more of this passionate exchange. Heaven can't possibly be this good.
Blissful is the moments we spend
stretching our tongues into the deep crevices of each other's mouth.
You like the moments when my hair falls around your face while
your mouth is caressingly soft.
I like it when I'm pulled closer
by your arms draped around
my shoulders with your hands
in my locks of hair.
Oh! The strength of our mouths
refuses to let up!
Breathing in each other's fragrance
after we've had our session of love.
The air is clean and sweet.
I'm anxious for another moment of
lying on the grass and
savouring each other's mouth.
24.
I can't deny that
There is a distance between us.
People can't tell there's an air of sadness Because
there's no space between our bodies.
All they breathe is happiness
while I'm choking on depression.
Maybe we are only friends in your
mind But I feel more.
I don't want to keep acting like we
Because I know I'm not a good actress.
25
I was deep in sleep as morning passed because night shook me awake. Night refuses to let me close my eyes. It's like a lover who keeps you up by whatever way they can. It's not fair being alive when everyone else lies around. Adventure doesn't come when the world stops for a breath. As I recline in my bed, like everybody else does, I stare at my ceiling wondering. Is night jealous of morning? Lover, night, don't he. You are more beautiful of the two. Your air is more fragrant. I prefer you to my mistress. Much more calm and gentle you are. I've seen people move under your spell. You beautiful witch, casting encantations over every person. Damn you! You are a jealous lover! Refusing to release your hold on me. I've never been let out of your sight. I can never cheat and be unfaithful with you around the corner. Darling, I can never escape you. I will never try to escape you. You spend all your time Keeping me under your spell of loving you to make me want to try to leave you.
26.
Sitting on my desk, about to turn 4:58pm, Looking out my window and
Listening to Suede.
I'm doing nothing but suffering
from boredom.
Doing nothing, going nowhere but
watching cars go by.
One, two, three ...
I wish for rain & coldness,
but I get sun & warmth.
The trees outside are turning
red, yellow & brown,
although a few are still green.
Nothing is going on, but nature doing her job.
27.
Dripping wet, waiting under the awning.
I crave the comfort of a book
and some warm clothes.
Even my backpack is soaked through.
My novels and notebooks looking like I took a bath and dropped them in.
It's evident I need to go home.
If I go inside, across the street, I'd miss the daily trip there.
The train stop and chair dreary from the rain. My marrow feels soaked even.
Maybe if I wore a raincoat--I'd feel better--But I never do.
28.
Often I looked down
at my womb and wondered.
So many entrances and exits.
By the time I die,
I will have had periods, men & babies
encounter this place.
I've worn mens briefs to make it
stop whining.
It's constantly hungry and makes
me unable to think clearly.
I think it needs its bottle.
29.
Just what did you do to me last night.
After we got ourselves drunk?
All I remember was sharing some whiskey.
I've awoken on top, feeling your heartbeat, while you still sleep.
I've no idea of what we've done.
Could we of streaked around our block?
Could we of made love on your car?
What did we do?
All that remains is ripped clothing on the floor, besides the bottle.
How good was it--do you remember?
At this rate, we'll never know.
Doesn't matter--as long as I'm not regretful of anything that could of happened.
30.
Lying on the grass next to you.
I recline on one arm, the other flung around your body.
I'm leaning on your side watching you breathe. Your eyes 3/4 of the way fully closed.
I'm sorry, I like how your adam's apple feels against my forefinger.
My hands are always freezing, dear.
I think that's why I put my hands there.
As I lay next to you--loving every
moment--I could think of nothing
but how much I adore you.
31.
My head is filled with all these
strange ideas.
Mostly images of memories I hold
close.
I will never let go
of these things that haunt me.
32.
Do you see the starfish on the
ceiling?
Do you see them?
Lie down and focus.
Close off all surroundings and look.
Do you see them?
Before your eyes, they take shape.
It doesn't take much practice.
just look and they will be there.
Why don't you believe me?
I swear to you! Look!
There they are stars in the stucco.
33.
I couldn't stop giggling when
you tickled my sides as we lay
on the floor under the blanket
by the couch.
There's nothing better than your
touch and your arms and your body.
Nuzzling your face against my nape
It felt so good.
I think my head fell back from
sighing, half-drunk off your kisses.
I don't remember a thing of our whispering except, "I love you."
34.
Upon my discovery
I found a new way around.
Life is throwing me a curve.
The more I look, the more
I question.
My lover doesn't know the
truth that I crave something
else,
Something he can't give me.
35.
Often I look in the mirror
to see myself, but do I really
know who I am?
I want to know who I'm looking
at.
Do the insides match the outsides?
I see my eyes, my nose, my mouth,
my earlobes.
my expression reveals nothing
because it's blank.
I smile--I only see a smile.
I frown--I only see a frown.
If I have some form of madness
or depression, or whatever
I can't see it.
Why can't this mirror help me see
what I am?
Show me, I need to know.
Maybe if I turn off the light,
I could see into myself.
No, all I see is darkness.
The same if I close my eyes.
36.
I was asleep thinking.
Images of you & I flooded my mind.
What could happen between us But
doesn't.
If only I could wake and find this
a reality.
I moved my body around and shifted
over to the other side.
Was I still dreaming when I found you
in a chair, by the window, smoking a
cigarette, and gazing upon me?
37.
We sat whispering as the instruments
played.
I don't remember what song they played
as you caressed my cheek.
Our eyes turned to one another, not
the stage.
The cresendo of the music soared
when you put your left hand on my
thigh & kissed my neck longingly.
My sweater fell on the ground as you
wrapped your arms around me.
I hope no one saw us completely
unattentive.
You loosened the ornaments out of
my hair & let it fall around my
shoulders.
"I love your hair," you said as you
took a handful of it & let your lips
pass over.
As you kissed me deeper and deeper
you let your hands delve in and
explore the inside of my dress.
Halfway through the song our passion
relaxed.
It died with the song.
Only to have the musicians & us
start up again.
38.
I'm in love with no one.
No man has my hand in
marriage
Bonded with a gold or silver
ring upon our left hands.
I don't share my bed with
anyone.
I'm empty; no hopes of having
a child soon enough to continue
the generation.
No suitors to entice me with
flowers.
No one to savour my body.
Loneliness phone calls are out
of the question.
Snuggling in front of fires
are only silly dreams.
I'm not interested in whispering.
Not a hand will be touching me.
No fights, no tears, no fists.
No shoulders offered, none given.
My tongue stays inside my mouth.
I belong to no one.
Well, alright...maybe one.
39.
My mouth craves to be used
To have someone use and enjoy.
My lips want another pair
To mutually do what they want.
My tongue wishes for a surface
To discover and shape its
existence.
For the past two months
And almost another,
I've been deprived completely.
My last lover didn't satisfy
Making me wish for more.
Really, then, it's been longer.
I deserve better than that
piece of shit.
A certain someone has my
mind on him.
I doubt he thinks of me.
never have I asked, though.
Well, I just don't know. do.
I'll suffer a little more
And wait for its usage.
40.
I was standing there
Wishing, hoping, praying
you'd be present.
You never showed up.
I wondered where you were.
Today, I wrote your name
with an orange on the pavement.
My friend and I
said useless drivel about you
soon after.
About this time, two years ago,
I first laid eyes on you.
Only in my dreams
Have I touched any part of you
Or had a child of ours.
Truth and fiction are two different
things.
Fiction, I know everything.
I wish I love the person
But I love the image.
Something about my fantasies
placed you above the others.
You're gone off somewhere
yet a replacement, I haven't found.
But, I know I'll see you someday
A father and in someone else's arms.
41.
The incessant clock ticking at
this hour. Nineteen after 4 o'
clock in the morning. My mind
feels rejection. Alone again
without company. My body and thighs
feel hollow without someone inside
me. I need a man HERE craving for
satisfaction.
My lips want that. My hips want that.
My thighs want that. My hands want
that. My erogenous zones want that
Oh!
I want to feel full inside. Release yourself into me. My strength refuses
to match yours. A gentle shake won't do. Am I allowed to help you bring
me to orgasm?
I wish my pain would go away.
I can't do anything about it but wait it off.
Now, it's not possible to lose control
with myself.
I must wait, until I can.
It's now fifty-five after 4
o-clock in the morning. I hope it doesn't worsen. I just hope it
doesn't.
42.
Nine something at night With all the lights off.
Standing among other men and women,
I watched from the side.
It began with several tiny lights To guide your ways.
Then some other lights came on To guide your actions.
What colour was the light? Was it blue? Was it red?
Was it green? Was it white? Was it a combination of several?
I don't remember.
Six people there for all us strangers.
A gyrating singer My friend thought you should of fallen over.
A nodding bassist Offered a necklace, as if a God.
A musician extraordinaire Stopping to adjust the microphone stand,
scratching your beard, and for a two/three minute break.
Your violin definitely can charm along with your eyes.
A bespectacled guitarist Next time you'll get more attention.
I paid more looks to the artwork, and the others.
A blond drummer That's all I saw from where I was.
Someone's speaker was in the way.
Lastly, a bug-eyed keyboardist Anytime the others were out of the
way My attention was on you.
Vast memories fill my head. A (blue) hotel keychain thrown,
a coke bottle, Taking off of clothing, The moving around,
The hyperactive girls, And feelings of pleasant dreaming.
Coming back for more Staking your places in a row.
Lights still bouncing off. Casting black shadows over
pale, gaunt, English faces. Stools to accomodate-Only to be emptied, Except for one, Before it was really over.
"Hurry! Let's get this finished!", Ran through all six heads.
One didn't budge, the other too busy with four crowded around.
It being over, the real lights came on. Along with the others I was obliged to leave my spot. Deaf in one ear, with an elated feeling, My friend and I left the building. Rain lending itself to a perfect night.
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