1.
I spent another hopeless night awake.
Only one question ran through my head, though.
And it was
Where on this earth do I find such men?
My love life sucks.
Let me explain ...
Ever since I let myself get carried away AND lost my virginity--as if it were nothing--, I feel like it should give something back in return for all it has done to me.
It's not enough that the THREE I've experienced have changed me in some way.
Number one ...
I lost my state of innocence to. He was somewhat stupidt and made me HOPE every moment from then on would be better. He made me expect it.
Number two ...
I most experienced heaven with. At least, he knew what he was doing AND the only one I haven't regretted shagging. Our times were cut short only by the clock, since we would go to his place and stop because he didn't want to be late for class.
Number three ...
I hoped he would save me from my problem. I personally believe everything he did to me was a complete lie. Which is fine with me, because besides some things--things that I refuse to say--, most everything else was a lie on my part.
Whoever said that the first time is the best .... lied.
Whoever said the third's the charm... lied.
I know I'm not the one who told such bull, because 1 know the truth.
Everything you've ever heard before is a lie... At least, in sex.
2.
It was late one SUNDAY night.
The gate and two doors to my house were open.
With the light from the side of the house shining on us, we swore our undying love.
You promised to love me forever.
I promised to never leave you and to be completely faithful.
Then, we made love on the pavement.
How was I supposed to know that you were lying?
A certain Monday hit and at a CERTAIN PLACE, you gave me a letter that stated that I shouldn't let anyone else read it.
True, it wasn't happy.
True, you broke my heart.
True, I cried for the death of your love.
I realise how mistaken I was to feel so bad for myself, when everybody knows things come back to people in reverse.
One more thing, about that latter, I showed everyone how lame you are.
3.
Yesterday I got a phone call from someone that holds a strange place in my memories. I lost my state of purity to him.
That night was weird. After a phone call, it was decided that he show up, so that we could be together and do something.
Well, of course, he did show up. It was weird. We met outside my house and just went inside.
Inside and upstairs to my bedroom. On my bed, for an hour, we talked. I remember my radio and light were on, also.
That's not the only thing I remember Our clothes ... Him--a handed down purple tshirt with some holes and black jeans.
Myself--I wore striped shorts and a black t-shirt. I can't remember if I wore my glasses, but I think I did.
Anyway, after an hour, We kissed on my bed. Then, it led into other things.
Other things that I'm ashamed to want to admit, since it's rather personal. Then again, I told my best friend about everything.
4.
Friday! He'scomingFriday!Oh, no!Iwassolookingforwardtotheweekend.Ihavesomeplans, but he'sgoingtoruinthem.Thenagain, he knowswhereIlive.Damn!Hecan'tpossiblyremember.Oh, yeah ... hedoes ...NO! Please, NO!He'sarrivinginthemorning, too. IhopeIcanavoidseeinghim. Iwillnotcontacthim... willnotdoanythingwhenhearrives. Maybe, he'llgetthemessage thatIdon'twanttoseehim.Phonesaresuchevilthings. ThatishowTknow he'scomingintotown, because hetoldmeoveraphone. I wishIwasn'ttheonewhoanswered.Iwishsomeoneelsedid.Theonlygoodthingtocomeoutofallthisis-Well-Think-Think--Think--Ihavenoidea.See.Ican'teventhinkofanythinggoodoutofhisarrivalandtwoweekstay.I wishhewasn'tarriving.Yeah, I wish!
5.
I've got reasons to be over you ...
One, I never loved you purely with innocence and happiness.
I partially hid my dirty thoughts and unhappiness.
Two, I always found a reason to trust, when my heart knew otherwise.
I do thank you for all you have done for me, but I believe that I have fibbed a bit in return.
Three, you found someone else.
I have the strength to prove to myself I don't need you, since I have to deal with this.
I do believe you have done a good job with the new one.
All my wasted tears, wasted days, wasted dreams leave me with one thought, though ...
When the hell are you going to give me back my stuff?
6.
Nous nous couchons sur le lit.
Je suis sous toi, mon amour.
Ta main court par mes cheveux.
Mes yeux n'ouvre.
Je veux bien, mais mes pensees n'y sont pas.
Je me suis tombee amoureuse.
Pas toi.
Nos langues et 1evres echangent, mais me bouche mente.
Je ne peux pas a vrai dire meme si tu me demandes,
"Tu n'aimes, cherie?"
Je lui mente.
"Oui, mon petit chou, je t'aime ... Bien sur ... Bien sur."
Si seulement tu savais la verite.
Je n'taime pas.
Nous corps fait I'amour, mais je n'y suis pas.
Je n'y vais pas avec toi.
Pas avec toi.
Pas tu.
7.
please.
I'm tired of waiting.
When are you going to fuck me?
I've waited forever for the moment I want most.
Anywhere would be nice.
How about where we last messed around?
or, here?
There, maybe?
My mouth and body aches for usage.
They want to be worn and bruised from abuse.
It doesn't matter that you have a girlfriend.
Sex only involves two people.
please,
let me take your hands
and lead you somewhere where
I've been waiting to go to.
Please.
I'm tired of waiting ....
8.
All things aren't always what they look. Sometimes, they are just plain ugly.
The photograph that was in my hands was a picture of my ex-lover.
Curly, mousy blonde hair of unknown condition, because it was always dirty
--which is odd because he always took a shower.
His eyes were some shade of green, but he hated to wear his glasses,
so he had blue contacts.
I used to think him stunning.
It was a black and white photo that remained after he left me for another girl.
She had none of the charms I pursued him with.
A girl of taller stature than I'll ever be, but with none of my looks.
I had the inferior of the two, which made me angrier.
I should be angrier that she has everything I don't.
Yet, I know one day she will leave him as coldly as he left my life.
It may be hope, but I feel things come back to people in reverse.
He may not of felt I was a major component in his life, but I know better.
There's still enough hope in me to push away the demons that threaten to rip me apart.
Disgust, anger, pity...All just strange words that mean nothing to me.
I'll be there the day he is left behind, while she goes on to someone else,
and lets him know how worthless he really is.
It's not her fault--Everything is his.
I have enough to make him an object to ridicule, but I prefer not to put him on such a pedestal.
I took that photo from someone else, who since has disowned me--So, I have no choice but to destroy it.
Flame, trash, or (where he belongs) run-overed is the only question.
I crumpled my little reminder of someone who chose to be really ugly.
9.
I'm the pit stop girlfriend.
In-between long term relationships, men go to me for a rest.
Longevity isn't my specialty.
I don't enforce it.
I know how to be used as a gas station or diner.
One guy, or a couple of them, found my motelness pleasant.
A dinner, a bed, and some other things.
The motel brochure lied about the way through most of his wants were promised.
His bed caused some relief, but, in the end, he grew irritable and left the motel and started on the road.
Another guy found the motel attractive.
The exterior was clean and neatly kept.
Once he discovered the obvious flaws, after a while of staying in the motel.
It drove him mad ard he packed, iust the same
The other men in their vay lived in the motel, also.
Each one found something not to his liking.
One day, someone at the motel will call it home.
{september 10, 1996; finished at 2:38am}
10.
I swore it would never happen again.
I've let another one come and disappoint me.
Should have known it would end up the same.
It had to begin somewhere, so obviousIy it began at the start.
The first one, I knew for some time, before I let him anywhere near me.
Not even a hug or anything, although the custom between my friends and myself is the opposite.
He was a huge disappointrnent, and started me off on my bad streak.
The part that made it bad was NOT ONLY did he forget the protection
after I had been assured be would have it, but he was just AWFUL!
Didn't touch me enough there.
Touched me too much there.
Just generally did not do what I wanted him to do to me.
He was as good as he could get, which is more than I ran say about his method.
11.
Outside the classroom, I stand against the wall that looks and feels like cobblestone.
In the sky I see the pinkish, gray clouds.
It's hot, but the sun seems not to be at fault.
It's from the nearby fire that resulted from some idiot setting the land on fire accidentally.
Nothing is accidental, though.
I'm separated from the others who stand on the opposite side of this place I stand.
No smells come to me, but memories fill my senses.
The tiny flashbacks of my day are my memories.
Nothing really matters around me because I am too involved in my thoughts.
It doesn't matter what is going on around me, because I am thinking too much.
12.
Once an innocent flower was blooming amongsst the foliage, when someone came along and saw it.
The person zeroed in, and found it to be the most beautiful of everything they have ever known.
So, the person came along and picked the flower from out of its place in the grass.
It was a beautiful flower.
The petals were a purplish blue
--the others were other colors of the rainbow
The person soon found themselves hold it in their hands.
The person held it, gingerly touching the petals, the stem. the center.
After holding it up to the sun, with its dewy reflection, they took it home and put in a vase.
When it died, it was pressed inbetween two pieces of glass and made into an ornament.
13.
He caught me kiss someone else.
I smeared lipstick all over the mouth and cheeks of my accomplice.
My hands firmly planted on the other's shoulders.
What he didn't know was both of us were intentionally upsetting him.
My friend and I knew we were acting, but my boyfriend didn't.
Just to take a peek, we pretended to be in love and looked into each other's eyes.
Then, quickly, my friend glanced over at the direction he was standing.
I saw my flinch at the slight.
Before I could do anything, I felt myself pulled apart and dragged away.
A few steps later, I felt him tightly wrap his limbs and hands about myself.
My head was thrown back by the force of his mouth.
Usually kisses won't make me forgive a person, but this time was different.
14.
If I close my eyes, I can picture it clearly.
It's rectangle in shape.
A simple black and white photograph of him.
[We had exchanged photos of ourselves, and that's the one I liked best of several.]
I see him on the right of the picture.
He's sitting in the back of someone's car.
From the window you can't tell if he's arriving or leaving.
You see the leather (or vinyl) seats, the windows and some of the inside roof.
Behind him, which can be seen through the window, you see a part of another car, part of a tree and part of a building.
He has a smile on his face--well, a grin baring his teeth--and a big gap in the middle of the top teeth, which is obvious.
There's not much to say that can describe him.
His shirt makes his head look smaller than it is.
What a shame, since he's not as dorky looking as that picture makes him out to be.
I spent another hopeless night awake.
Only one question ran through my head, though.
And it was
Where on this earth do I find such men?
My love life sucks.
Let me explain ...
Ever since I let myself get carried away AND lost my virginity--as if it were nothing--, I feel like it should give something back in return for all it has done to me.
It's not enough that the THREE I've experienced have changed me in some way.
Number one ...
I lost my state of innocence to. He was somewhat stupidt and made me HOPE every moment from then on would be better. He made me expect it.
Number two ...
I most experienced heaven with. At least, he knew what he was doing AND the only one I haven't regretted shagging. Our times were cut short only by the clock, since we would go to his place and stop because he didn't want to be late for class.
Number three ...
I hoped he would save me from my problem. I personally believe everything he did to me was a complete lie. Which is fine with me, because besides some things--things that I refuse to say--, most everything else was a lie on my part.
Whoever said that the first time is the best .... lied.
Whoever said the third's the charm... lied.
I know I'm not the one who told such bull, because 1 know the truth.
Everything you've ever heard before is a lie... At least, in sex.
2.
It was late one SUNDAY night.
The gate and two doors to my house were open.
With the light from the side of the house shining on us, we swore our undying love.
You promised to love me forever.
I promised to never leave you and to be completely faithful.
Then, we made love on the pavement.
How was I supposed to know that you were lying?
A certain Monday hit and at a CERTAIN PLACE, you gave me a letter that stated that I shouldn't let anyone else read it.
True, it wasn't happy.
True, you broke my heart.
True, I cried for the death of your love.
I realise how mistaken I was to feel so bad for myself, when everybody knows things come back to people in reverse.
One more thing, about that latter, I showed everyone how lame you are.
3.
Yesterday I got a phone call from someone that holds a strange place in my memories. I lost my state of purity to him.
That night was weird. After a phone call, it was decided that he show up, so that we could be together and do something.
Well, of course, he did show up. It was weird. We met outside my house and just went inside.
Inside and upstairs to my bedroom. On my bed, for an hour, we talked. I remember my radio and light were on, also.
That's not the only thing I remember Our clothes ... Him--a handed down purple tshirt with some holes and black jeans.
Myself--I wore striped shorts and a black t-shirt. I can't remember if I wore my glasses, but I think I did.
Anyway, after an hour, We kissed on my bed. Then, it led into other things.
Other things that I'm ashamed to want to admit, since it's rather personal. Then again, I told my best friend about everything.
4.
Friday! He'scomingFriday!Oh, no!Iwassolookingforwardtotheweekend.Ihavesomeplans, but he'sgoingtoruinthem.Thenagain, he knowswhereIlive.Damn!Hecan'tpossiblyremember.Oh, yeah ... hedoes ...NO! Please, NO!He'sarrivinginthemorning, too. IhopeIcanavoidseeinghim. Iwillnotcontacthim... willnotdoanythingwhenhearrives. Maybe, he'llgetthemessage thatIdon'twanttoseehim.Phonesaresuchevilthings. ThatishowTknow he'scomingintotown, because hetoldmeoveraphone. I wishIwasn'ttheonewhoanswered.Iwishsomeoneelsedid.Theonlygoodthingtocomeoutofallthisis-Well-Think-Think--Think--Ihavenoidea.See.Ican'teventhinkofanythinggoodoutofhisarrivalandtwoweekstay.I wishhewasn'tarriving.Yeah, I wish!
5.
I've got reasons to be over you ...
One, I never loved you purely with innocence and happiness.
I partially hid my dirty thoughts and unhappiness.
Two, I always found a reason to trust, when my heart knew otherwise.
I do thank you for all you have done for me, but I believe that I have fibbed a bit in return.
Three, you found someone else.
I have the strength to prove to myself I don't need you, since I have to deal with this.
I do believe you have done a good job with the new one.
All my wasted tears, wasted days, wasted dreams leave me with one thought, though ...
When the hell are you going to give me back my stuff?
6.
Nous nous couchons sur le lit.
Je suis sous toi, mon amour.
Ta main court par mes cheveux.
Mes yeux n'ouvre.
Je veux bien, mais mes pensees n'y sont pas.
Je me suis tombee amoureuse.
Pas toi.
Nos langues et 1evres echangent, mais me bouche mente.
Je ne peux pas a vrai dire meme si tu me demandes,
"Tu n'aimes, cherie?"
Je lui mente.
"Oui, mon petit chou, je t'aime ... Bien sur ... Bien sur."
Si seulement tu savais la verite.
Je n'taime pas.
Nous corps fait I'amour, mais je n'y suis pas.
Je n'y vais pas avec toi.
Pas avec toi.
Pas tu.
7.
please.
I'm tired of waiting.
When are you going to fuck me?
I've waited forever for the moment I want most.
Anywhere would be nice.
How about where we last messed around?
or, here?
There, maybe?
My mouth and body aches for usage.
They want to be worn and bruised from abuse.
It doesn't matter that you have a girlfriend.
Sex only involves two people.
please,
let me take your hands
and lead you somewhere where
I've been waiting to go to.
Please.
I'm tired of waiting ....
8.
All things aren't always what they look. Sometimes, they are just plain ugly.
The photograph that was in my hands was a picture of my ex-lover.
Curly, mousy blonde hair of unknown condition, because it was always dirty
--which is odd because he always took a shower.
His eyes were some shade of green, but he hated to wear his glasses,
so he had blue contacts.
I used to think him stunning.
It was a black and white photo that remained after he left me for another girl.
She had none of the charms I pursued him with.
A girl of taller stature than I'll ever be, but with none of my looks.
I had the inferior of the two, which made me angrier.
I should be angrier that she has everything I don't.
Yet, I know one day she will leave him as coldly as he left my life.
It may be hope, but I feel things come back to people in reverse.
He may not of felt I was a major component in his life, but I know better.
There's still enough hope in me to push away the demons that threaten to rip me apart.
Disgust, anger, pity...All just strange words that mean nothing to me.
I'll be there the day he is left behind, while she goes on to someone else,
and lets him know how worthless he really is.
It's not her fault--Everything is his.
I have enough to make him an object to ridicule, but I prefer not to put him on such a pedestal.
I took that photo from someone else, who since has disowned me--So, I have no choice but to destroy it.
Flame, trash, or (where he belongs) run-overed is the only question.
I crumpled my little reminder of someone who chose to be really ugly.
9.
I'm the pit stop girlfriend.
In-between long term relationships, men go to me for a rest.
Longevity isn't my specialty.
I don't enforce it.
I know how to be used as a gas station or diner.
One guy, or a couple of them, found my motelness pleasant.
A dinner, a bed, and some other things.
The motel brochure lied about the way through most of his wants were promised.
His bed caused some relief, but, in the end, he grew irritable and left the motel and started on the road.
Another guy found the motel attractive.
The exterior was clean and neatly kept.
Once he discovered the obvious flaws, after a while of staying in the motel.
It drove him mad ard he packed, iust the same
The other men in their vay lived in the motel, also.
Each one found something not to his liking.
One day, someone at the motel will call it home.
{september 10, 1996; finished at 2:38am}
10.
I swore it would never happen again.
I've let another one come and disappoint me.
Should have known it would end up the same.
It had to begin somewhere, so obviousIy it began at the start.
The first one, I knew for some time, before I let him anywhere near me.
Not even a hug or anything, although the custom between my friends and myself is the opposite.
He was a huge disappointrnent, and started me off on my bad streak.
The part that made it bad was NOT ONLY did he forget the protection
after I had been assured be would have it, but he was just AWFUL!
Didn't touch me enough there.
Touched me too much there.
Just generally did not do what I wanted him to do to me.
He was as good as he could get, which is more than I ran say about his method.
11.
Outside the classroom, I stand against the wall that looks and feels like cobblestone.
In the sky I see the pinkish, gray clouds.
It's hot, but the sun seems not to be at fault.
It's from the nearby fire that resulted from some idiot setting the land on fire accidentally.
Nothing is accidental, though.
I'm separated from the others who stand on the opposite side of this place I stand.
No smells come to me, but memories fill my senses.
The tiny flashbacks of my day are my memories.
Nothing really matters around me because I am too involved in my thoughts.
It doesn't matter what is going on around me, because I am thinking too much.
12.
Once an innocent flower was blooming amongsst the foliage, when someone came along and saw it.
The person zeroed in, and found it to be the most beautiful of everything they have ever known.
So, the person came along and picked the flower from out of its place in the grass.
It was a beautiful flower.
The petals were a purplish blue
--the others were other colors of the rainbow
The person soon found themselves hold it in their hands.
The person held it, gingerly touching the petals, the stem. the center.
After holding it up to the sun, with its dewy reflection, they took it home and put in a vase.
When it died, it was pressed inbetween two pieces of glass and made into an ornament.
13.
He caught me kiss someone else.
I smeared lipstick all over the mouth and cheeks of my accomplice.
My hands firmly planted on the other's shoulders.
What he didn't know was both of us were intentionally upsetting him.
My friend and I knew we were acting, but my boyfriend didn't.
Just to take a peek, we pretended to be in love and looked into each other's eyes.
Then, quickly, my friend glanced over at the direction he was standing.
I saw my flinch at the slight.
Before I could do anything, I felt myself pulled apart and dragged away.
A few steps later, I felt him tightly wrap his limbs and hands about myself.
My head was thrown back by the force of his mouth.
Usually kisses won't make me forgive a person, but this time was different.
14.
If I close my eyes, I can picture it clearly.
It's rectangle in shape.
A simple black and white photograph of him.
[We had exchanged photos of ourselves, and that's the one I liked best of several.]
I see him on the right of the picture.
He's sitting in the back of someone's car.
From the window you can't tell if he's arriving or leaving.
You see the leather (or vinyl) seats, the windows and some of the inside roof.
Behind him, which can be seen through the window, you see a part of another car, part of a tree and part of a building.
He has a smile on his face--well, a grin baring his teeth--and a big gap in the middle of the top teeth, which is obvious.
There's not much to say that can describe him.
His shirt makes his head look smaller than it is.
What a shame, since he's not as dorky looking as that picture makes him out to be.
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