1.
I need some sort of closure.
A total way of saying, "Goodbye."
A final kiss won't do the trick,
because it will only make me
want you more.
I don't want that.
I don't know what I want.
I don't feel we really
said what we needed.
There are still things left in the air,
which remain in that car.
That car where it started
and where we ended.
I hope you get in an accident
and it becomes badly damaged.
I still think about you
constantly, but I'm
trying to break away
from the thing I feel
is imprisoning me
against my will.
The only thing that
will set me free is that
complete break.
2.
I feel guilty about that night.
On the floor of my brother
and sister-in-law's home,
a vampire assistant and a hippie
rolled about in front of the tv,
where useless images
displayed themselves on screen.
The protection used was
our underwear.
His tongue a roaming
little monster and his
teeth hit against mine.
They didn't quite hit
the right areas.
Same with his hands.
It's odd how the
assistant left marks
on the hippie.
On the neck,
there were made.
Only not with two spots,
but more.
The assistant wasn't
trying to sneak life
from the hippie,
but was close enough.
3.
Is there someone in
the world who I'm
mentally connected
to?
Half my thoughts don't
seem to make
rational sense.
Out of nowhere,
they pop into my head.
Half my thoughts are
mine through my
experiences and senses.
That I know about.
The other half drift
into my conscience
from somewhere else.
That I don't know about.
Someone out there has
the key to my lock.
They know my half,
along with theirs
--which is my problem in reverse.
I'm only hoping, then,
that I'm not stealing
something more
important to them
--rather than myself.
I'm sorry if I am.
4.
She loves him still, but
wants to show her love
differently.
She desires to express
her love with a gentle kiss
and a harsh slap.
He left her for a
questionable reason,
which he only can
understand.
He desired more than
what he received,
which was very unfortunate.
She wants him back
desperately, but
doesn't know if he feels the same.
He wandered out of
her life just as fast as
he wandered in.
Maybe, they still love
each other now
and always.
It's sad how they didn't exist
for long together.
5.
Any second now,
I'll start crying.
My head has been
poisoned with others' ideas.
The pressure wants to
explode in a violent manner.
All these different people are
trying to make me think these
ideas that have slowly destroyed some
of my beliefs.
Add this to my ever-
evolving problem with
a certain someone
and you should be able to
understand why I feel this way.
Actually, that someone
is who I'm blaming all
the junk that happens.
Yes, it is all his fault.
Everything.
6.
I was once a
beautiful and nice girl
in your eyes.
Now you see before
you an ugly and mean woman.
Couldn't you see me
clearly before?
Couldn't you tell I'd be
like the rest?
Loves blinds everyone
in its way.
It does such mean
things to people.
Once held in your arms,
I was the most precious thing you had.
Now you look at me
like I'm worthless and
of no great value.
I've been thrown out
like the rest of your
useless playthings.
7.
Now, that I've given the letter,
I can now spend my time
moving on with my life.
I was tired of bottling
all the things that
needed to be made clear.
I thought I'd be safe
with keeping
everything inside,
but I was wrong.
I was wrong about everything,
all the lies,
all the trust,
all the love.
I thought I knew what
I was doing, but how
was I supposed to know
that it was what
needed to be done?
Which brings me back
to where it started.
The letter was
what I had to do.
8.
I was kneeling before you,
while you sat on the bed.
One hand rested on one thigh,
and the other
on the bed
behind you, grasping.
Your thighs were separated.
My mouth tasted what
you have that I don't.
I looked at you and
your eyes couldn't stay open.
They'd open, then
close back up just as fast.
Your head sloped back
--at least, from where I was.
Soft little moans came from you
now and then.
My tongue rubbed all over you.
I like the taste of what
I had in my mouth.
It turned me on.
Especially when you came in my mouth.
9.
I've realised nothing
really matters that much anymore.
Everything that once
meant something to me
is useless from now on.
I had resources that I
could use up over and over again.
It doesn't apply to anywhere in my life now.
Dreading the worst possible scenarios
have become more frequent,
but the end results have become less pleasant.
Nothing is what I want it to be,
and I'm getting tired of it all.
The sooner I get over this,
the sooner everything will be all right.
10.
They say with every breakup, you learn something:
1. never leave it open-ended
2. like the person you're with
3. don't do something you'll regret later
4. there's something wrong when two people can't emotionally satisfy each other
5. not liking the situation means change it
6. desperation does ugly things
7a. give someone their room
7b. don't be too controlling
8. if someone feels pressured, then they do what they don't want
9. [ ...]
7c. (space had been spread, and then another go at it) The third time is not the charm, sometimes
All good lessons learned that I should apply to all my next relationships.
Antonio, Tom, Charlie, Cameron, Chris, Bob, Geoff, John and Aaron.
To you, you've all let me change in some way.
11.
I believe that cliche,
"What doesn't kill you,
will make you stronger".
Actually, no, I don't believe
it to be entirely true.
Depending on what it is,
things will bring you down.
I guess I'm being pessimistic,
but sometimes something
may kill you, because
people die
emotionally, physically, or any other way.
12.
I made a bad mistake this day.
Calling at a really awful time.
It was funny, though.
I'm not jealous or anything.
You were in the middle of the ACT!
It was funny, though.
I turned red and became embarrassed.
I heard her voice asking, who it was.
It was funny, though.
I didn't mean to disturb you,
while you were enjoying someone else.
It was funny, though.
You were out of it,
because you were in
the middle of seducing
or being seduced.
It was funny and I
laughed almost to the point of crying.
13.
People see what they want.
Simple how that logic works.
The principle is basic,
but the application is difficult.
How can people tell if
they're agreeing on the same thing?
I don't mean see,
unless what one does
is a painting,
but I mean perceive.
Meanings change from
person to person.
There isn't such a
thing as same.
Take, for example, any person walking this earth.
One can see their naivety.
Another can see their stubbornness.
Another can see their malleability.
Everyone sees something different.
The idea may attach
itself to one notion.
but be coded with
other significances.
Brilliant, as this one
thought can splinter
into many.
14.
Of what I can remember,
there's not much to say.
It started before I got there,
which wasn't good.
In-between that time and the end,
there was much going on.
People crowded half
the room and stood attentive.
My attention was split into all four directions:
north, south, east, west.
I would constantly be distracted
to turn a certain direction,
which wouldn't last for long.
There was someone behind me
having a one-sided conversation.
To my right, some stranger kept staring my way.
To my left, squirming around.
In front of me, my eyes beheld heaven.
15.
I wish I didn't let you
slip through my fingers.
Your sandiness upsets me.
I'm still convinced
you're the one for me.
(My stop watch has stopped counting the seconds.)
You were the little jewel
in my favorite necklace
that I managed to lose.
Regretfully, I think
about how I could have
been more careful and watchful.
I still find myself
blaming all my faults
on losing you.
16.
The one thing that
would made me
happy can never happen.
Someone stole him away from me.
It wouldn't have hurt so much
if I wasn't still in love with him.
I try to distance myself
from my feelings,
but I can't.
I refuse to believe that
I still love him,
but I do.
It hurts so much that
he has a new girlfriend.
I'm only hoping that
she is the one to throw him back.
17.
It echoed all the muffled sounds
it made from its fountain-like
nature.
On the floor, it poured
out all the water it could.
Water spilled out of its spout,
and with continuous motion.
Down, down, down, down.
The statue lay perfectly still
while the water was non-stop.
The little statue refused to move,
but was alive in some way.
It was frozen in features,
but had some lifelike quality.
The little statue's features
were of a young woman crying.
The water were the tears
that came from her face.
It was my face, my statue, my tears, my water.
I'm the fountain.
18.
I refuse to believe that my strength
won't carry me over to my
next point of happiness.
I will become stronger
by the end of all this.
I have the willpower
to sustain any blow.
Life throws me
curveballs to make me
realise what I need to change.
What goes down, must spring back up.
I am not a weak, insipid girl,
because this is what I have to do to evolve.
I will change
and there's nothing I can do about it.
19.
It drives me crazy to think
that someone else is repeating
the patterns I've established.
He used to take me in that car
to his house.
I know what is being done.
He waits, then picks you up.
He takes you to his grandmother's house.
Oh, no.
First, the mountains,
where he'll tease you with his tongue.
Then, comes his home,
during the hour.
Well, it's the couch,
the floor, or his bed.
You have no choice.
I'm to warn you, for
you might fall into the
same trap of becoming
blinded by lust and love.
I don't want you to be hurt
in the same way I have.
If you are,
then we'll bond together and
hurt him back.
20.
In forty-eight hours,
the strangest things can
happen ever so quickly.
Sleep usually would
take six to eight hours a day,
times two, it equals half a day
--or a half plus four.
What to do with the rest?
Let's see.
The ideal forty-eight hours would go:
forty-eight minus sixteen (for sleep)
equal thirty-two.
Thirty-two minus three hours (for sex)
equals twenty-nine.
Minus an hour (for each time a trip to the bathroom).
Minus another three for the eating.
Minus another three for the phone.
Minus another six hours for television.
The remaining eighteen hours could
be spent on any number of things.
Well, maybe not three hours for sex.
21.
I'm confused about something.
Are you still interested,
or was my friend wrong?
I called your house today.
Your grandmother answered
saying, "You got the wrong number"
then hung up.
Please, tell me the truth.
I got thrown off, since
last seeing you drive by,
and look rather happy,
while waving to me or the other person.
I could have sworn, my friend told me
the words you both exchanged
--the day before she told me.
She swore she wasn't lying,
and I believe her.
I wish my confusion
would be cleared up,
because it's not fair to
be kept wondering.
22.
Do you see that person over there?
Yes, the one with red hair and eyeglasses.
He used to love me.
I still love him and
find it so hard to let go.
There must be some
way to reach my goal.
There has to be a way.
As for now,
You name it,
I've done it.
I've thrown myself
into situations,
not including him.
It leads me nowhere.
I wish relationships that end
automatically released
the ex-lovers from the spell
they were both under.
It's not fun being in
love with someone
who has stopped loving me.
23.
Less than a week ago,
I had no idea what to write about.
I was sitting there
with someone else in the room.
Asking him what to write of,
he smiled and said
that I should write about where we were.
We were in the women's resource centre.
I felt comfortable and relaxed,
but tense since I didn't know what to feel.
A slight contradiction
of where I was.
Feminist propaganda
and blatant tools of male-bashing,
mixed with a fair-headed male
doesn't seem quite right.
I guess it's reasonable.
It was just bizarre how
a male so calm and quiet
could just sit
unpretentiously
with his laptop amidst all this.
24.
Where is this so-called
dark and mysterious quality of mine?
I can't find it in the mirror.
Everytime I look in the
silver-painted piece of glass,
I try to find out what others
can see.
I can't seem to step outside
of what I think
of myself
long enough to understand
how others perceive me to be.
All I see is the mirror
is someone who's
brunette, sometimes a wearer of glasses
and has been through emotional hell.
The mirror doesn't
show me how other people I encounter
think of me,
but what I see in reverse.
Why is that?
25.
Must I be forced to go through this again?
I know things come back to people,
but this is insane.
The first time, I was wrong.
This time, I don't know.
The message I'm getting is so clear
that I can't turn away.
It's not funny
--Or, as that quote goes
"that joke isn't funny anymore".
I feel this roller coaster
has granted me a free ride.
Now that I'm starting
all over again,
what the hell am I going to do?
If I can't get through it the first time,
how the hell can I get through it
the second time?
It's all your fault,
you pulled me in.
26.
I was watching a candle burning last night.
It was slowly making it to the bottom.
Then, while staring at it, I started crying.
I was thinking of you.
I don't know how that
candle relates to you,
but it made me think long and hard.
Candles don't last forever,
but they do stick around for some time.
Also, fire is only good when it's fed and kept alive.
I took this as a sign
that this could be us.
27.
What does it feel like?
Unless you've experienced it first-hand,
it's quite hard to explain.
I guess I'll have to do my best.
Before anything happens,
you have to make sure
you want to go through with it.
Nothing is worse than
doing something you
feel is not right.
From personal experience,
I've always felt giddy and
anxious before any clothing is shed.
The moment the first piece of clothing
is taken off, it's too late to back out.
That moment will last
as long as both of you make it.
Up until the last bit of clothing is off,
a certain excitement occurs.
Some start making love in-between
the first and last removal of clothing.
That's the norm.
From personal experience,
I've always stolen kisses
before anything happens
--which is usually how it starts.
The actual act is something
that is only as good as both
people cause it to be.
Depending on the involvement
of the people involved in this
strangely complex process,
they won't be surprised to
know each time it gets better.
I hope that helped in a way.
It's odd to try to
explain something like this.
As I've said before,
unless it's experienced beforehand,
I can't really say what happens.
Why don't you go and find out?
28.
I'm exhausted from the wait.
I just want it over with.
The day you fall in love with someone else
--that's what I'm expecting.
Everything I've ever done with you
will reflect backwards
what happened last.
The big slap in the face,
or however you look at it.
However you look at it, I lose.
Last time, I left the other for you.
This time, you leave me for the other.
I know the whole relationship.
Repetition can be so evil.
Especially in an instance like this.
I don't know how I'll react when it does,
but it will.
Whatever we have, it was doomed
from the start to become an
enclosure to the circle I began.
29.
You had a bit too much to drink that one night.
We were at this party.
I was in the bathroom,
cleaning my dress off,
after I spilled on it.
Halfway through smearing soap on it,
you came in and locked the door.
I was ignoring you, when you came over
and rubbed my exposed thighs.
You undid my hair and
sent it tumbling down my face and shoulders.
I was annoyed and surprised at such a
blatant invitation of love-making.
Your tongue found its way to my mouth.
I tasted the wine on your lips.
I never got around to rinsing off the soap.
I'm sure you remember that part.
30.
There's good qualities about being quiet.
First of all, you don't say much.
No endless and useless talking about petty subjects.
No having to explain yourself again and again and again and again.
No questions about this or that.
None of that.
Second, people assume everything of you.
Sure, some may think you are an idiot,
but most think otherwise.
It's funny to find out what character
traits people assume from silence.
Tough, shy, deep, etc.
All of us quiet people know we're
None of that.
31.
At whatever time this day last year,
I met a certain someone for the second time.
The second time of the
--so far--
three times.
I thought it odd how I could run into him again.
A similar environment,
but not the same.
Different sections, too.
Again, he was too forward and
had a problem with letting go of my hand.
Again, I felt he was a little too much.
I'm hoping there will be no more run-ins
like then, or the third
--or, even the first.
I don't like running into Psycho boy.
32.
My hair length is bothering me.
What's the point of long hair, anyways?
Sure, it could be used as a weapon
to attract some men, but really though,
what purpose does it serve?
I could understand if it was cold,
but I live in California,
where it's mostly warm and sunny.
Even then, hats serve the purpose
of keeping a skull warm.
Long dark hair does
nothing for me,
but get in the way.
I'm not saying I don't like my hair--
But, it doesn't really have a purpose there.
It just doesn't.
33.
Across the railroad tracks,
I used to clutch your hands for
fear of falling.
I'd stand opposite you,
watching with you for the train to come.
It felt like forever
with our hands intertwined.
When the train came, I let go.
I fell back onto the dirt.
My hands became empty,
but still sweaty from the contact.
I stopped laughing,
before the pain set in.
The train finished passing,
when I stood up.
You had disappeared
into thin air.
I was confused and wondering what happened,
but couldn't do anything.
Since then, I've brushed myself off and
walked away.
34.
I've had my time to think.
Since you've said, "Goodbye,"
I pondered what I think of you.
When you said what I heard you say,
I felt shock.
I wasn't sad you've left me the way you did,
because I wanted you gone.
I'll miss your drunken confessions of love,
but that's about it.
Then again, I'd call you up when I was
feeling lonely and you'd fill me with cheer.
I never saw you much after I escaped
from the hell we both didn't like.
The few times you made the effort to see me,
you always wanted to be satisfied passionately.
About three years or so down the drain,
because you're gone now.
Now, it's my turn to say it.
"Goodbye."
35.
She sat near you on the couch.
Hurting her index finger,
she put it in her mouth.
I watched you look at her.
You had a strange look on your face,
as she looked back.
She was beaming innocence.
You perverted its message.
I could only imagine
what was going on in your mind,
you sick individual.
Especially,
when you took her finger out and kissed it.
She took her hand away and
promptly slapped you squarely in the face.
36.
I laid next to you.
The sheets were white cotton
and they molded around our bodies.
The temptations was
strong to smooth away
the wrinkles your body was causing,
but I didn't.
The only thing above the sheets were my
arm and hand
while everything else was
beneath the sheets.
You warmed me quite thoroughly
and I returned the favor.
That's all that was important.
37.
I painted my toenails yesterday.
The colour is called "Lemon Twist".
When I turned them this shade of yellow,
the light I was using didn't show
the way it would look naturally.
So, I painted them twice.
They are vibrant
--as much as one could expect--
in real light.
My ten little toes look happy,
but I'm not satisfied with Lemon.
I want them Lime.
With sparkles or glitter wouldn't hurt.
38.
Up until now,
I've done normal things normal people do.
I've carried around an ashtray and used it.
I've written an eight page letter to an ex-lover
after we broke up.
I've dyed my hair without bleaching it first.
I've made out in the front seats of a car.
I've watched people come and go.
I've made a redhead blush on several occasions.
I've propositioned men in the most normal ways.
I've had my right foot bit a couple of times.
I've sucked my thumb until the age of nine.
I've had to choose between a cigarette and a kiss.
I've done...so much more than this.
39.
I've bought you a present.
It's a really naughty gift.
It wasn't originally what I planned to get.
What I originally planned to get was
the funniest thing ever to have and own.
Anyways, I was roaming a store that sells
sexual paraphernalia.
You should of been there,
because it would have stopped my purchase.
The ordeal was quite naughty,
and I'm guilty of it all.
I bought you a present.
It's a really naughty gift.
It wasn't originally what I planned to get.
I originally planned to get you a
pair of orange-with-black-stripes-furred handcuffs,
but I opted for a condom/ruler.
The funny thing is the guy who rang up
my purchase swears
I'm going to use it on my (fictititious) lover,
when it was intended for your use.
40.
The candle gave off
enough light allowing me to see you.
We were together in my room
talking and laughing quietly.
It was some late night.
I was looking at you.
The light made me feel strange.
You eyes seemed shinier and
your whispering filled my ears,
but I couldn't understand why
I was feeling the way I was.
I already knew I had
developed this crush on you,
but I was ashamed of wanting to admit it.
I didn't know what came over me,
but I couldn't resist.
I looked away,
because if I looked into your eyes,
I would have revealed myself.
I didn't want to give myself away,
because I know I shouldn't have felt that way.
41.
I think I've finally done it.
I've finally gotten over you.
I can move on.
All right, I'm lying.
I can't get over you.
The strength of my love
is still too strong.
I'm slowly sinking in this
half-empty space.
My heart is dying with me
and it's no fun.
I'm not even going to see you again.
Thanks a lot for making me convinced
you're lovable, when I know it
shouldn't be true
--on my part, at least.
I should be over you, but I'm not.
42.
I'm standing in the rain
hoping everything will wash away.
I want a complete break from it all.
I want my soul cleansed.
I know I'll become pure and innocent
from the rain.
The water will make me good again.
I want to be good again.
Everything will become untainted
and I will have a new start.
I can't take it any longer,
since I know a renewal is having hope.
To be pristine is my one wish,
but I can't stop being dirty.
I'm going to be soiled for the rest of my life.
I can't change, even with this rain.
I need some sort of closure.
A total way of saying, "Goodbye."
A final kiss won't do the trick,
because it will only make me
want you more.
I don't want that.
I don't know what I want.
I don't feel we really
said what we needed.
There are still things left in the air,
which remain in that car.
That car where it started
and where we ended.
I hope you get in an accident
and it becomes badly damaged.
I still think about you
constantly, but I'm
trying to break away
from the thing I feel
is imprisoning me
against my will.
The only thing that
will set me free is that
complete break.
2.
I feel guilty about that night.
On the floor of my brother
and sister-in-law's home,
a vampire assistant and a hippie
rolled about in front of the tv,
where useless images
displayed themselves on screen.
The protection used was
our underwear.
His tongue a roaming
little monster and his
teeth hit against mine.
They didn't quite hit
the right areas.
Same with his hands.
It's odd how the
assistant left marks
on the hippie.
On the neck,
there were made.
Only not with two spots,
but more.
The assistant wasn't
trying to sneak life
from the hippie,
but was close enough.
3.
Is there someone in
the world who I'm
mentally connected
to?
Half my thoughts don't
seem to make
rational sense.
Out of nowhere,
they pop into my head.
Half my thoughts are
mine through my
experiences and senses.
That I know about.
The other half drift
into my conscience
from somewhere else.
That I don't know about.
Someone out there has
the key to my lock.
They know my half,
along with theirs
--which is my problem in reverse.
I'm only hoping, then,
that I'm not stealing
something more
important to them
--rather than myself.
I'm sorry if I am.
4.
She loves him still, but
wants to show her love
differently.
She desires to express
her love with a gentle kiss
and a harsh slap.
He left her for a
questionable reason,
which he only can
understand.
He desired more than
what he received,
which was very unfortunate.
She wants him back
desperately, but
doesn't know if he feels the same.
He wandered out of
her life just as fast as
he wandered in.
Maybe, they still love
each other now
and always.
It's sad how they didn't exist
for long together.
5.
Any second now,
I'll start crying.
My head has been
poisoned with others' ideas.
The pressure wants to
explode in a violent manner.
All these different people are
trying to make me think these
ideas that have slowly destroyed some
of my beliefs.
Add this to my ever-
evolving problem with
a certain someone
and you should be able to
understand why I feel this way.
Actually, that someone
is who I'm blaming all
the junk that happens.
Yes, it is all his fault.
Everything.
6.
I was once a
beautiful and nice girl
in your eyes.
Now you see before
you an ugly and mean woman.
Couldn't you see me
clearly before?
Couldn't you tell I'd be
like the rest?
Loves blinds everyone
in its way.
It does such mean
things to people.
Once held in your arms,
I was the most precious thing you had.
Now you look at me
like I'm worthless and
of no great value.
I've been thrown out
like the rest of your
useless playthings.
7.
Now, that I've given the letter,
I can now spend my time
moving on with my life.
I was tired of bottling
all the things that
needed to be made clear.
I thought I'd be safe
with keeping
everything inside,
but I was wrong.
I was wrong about everything,
all the lies,
all the trust,
all the love.
I thought I knew what
I was doing, but how
was I supposed to know
that it was what
needed to be done?
Which brings me back
to where it started.
The letter was
what I had to do.
8.
I was kneeling before you,
while you sat on the bed.
One hand rested on one thigh,
and the other
on the bed
behind you, grasping.
Your thighs were separated.
My mouth tasted what
you have that I don't.
I looked at you and
your eyes couldn't stay open.
They'd open, then
close back up just as fast.
Your head sloped back
--at least, from where I was.
Soft little moans came from you
now and then.
My tongue rubbed all over you.
I like the taste of what
I had in my mouth.
It turned me on.
Especially when you came in my mouth.
9.
I've realised nothing
really matters that much anymore.
Everything that once
meant something to me
is useless from now on.
I had resources that I
could use up over and over again.
It doesn't apply to anywhere in my life now.
Dreading the worst possible scenarios
have become more frequent,
but the end results have become less pleasant.
Nothing is what I want it to be,
and I'm getting tired of it all.
The sooner I get over this,
the sooner everything will be all right.
10.
They say with every breakup, you learn something:
1. never leave it open-ended
2. like the person you're with
3. don't do something you'll regret later
4. there's something wrong when two people can't emotionally satisfy each other
5. not liking the situation means change it
6. desperation does ugly things
7a. give someone their room
7b. don't be too controlling
8. if someone feels pressured, then they do what they don't want
9. [ ...]
7c. (space had been spread, and then another go at it) The third time is not the charm, sometimes
All good lessons learned that I should apply to all my next relationships.
Antonio, Tom, Charlie, Cameron, Chris, Bob, Geoff, John and Aaron.
To you, you've all let me change in some way.
11.
I believe that cliche,
"What doesn't kill you,
will make you stronger".
Actually, no, I don't believe
it to be entirely true.
Depending on what it is,
things will bring you down.
I guess I'm being pessimistic,
but sometimes something
may kill you, because
people die
emotionally, physically, or any other way.
12.
I made a bad mistake this day.
Calling at a really awful time.
It was funny, though.
I'm not jealous or anything.
You were in the middle of the ACT!
It was funny, though.
I turned red and became embarrassed.
I heard her voice asking, who it was.
It was funny, though.
I didn't mean to disturb you,
while you were enjoying someone else.
It was funny, though.
You were out of it,
because you were in
the middle of seducing
or being seduced.
It was funny and I
laughed almost to the point of crying.
13.
People see what they want.
Simple how that logic works.
The principle is basic,
but the application is difficult.
How can people tell if
they're agreeing on the same thing?
I don't mean see,
unless what one does
is a painting,
but I mean perceive.
Meanings change from
person to person.
There isn't such a
thing as same.
Take, for example, any person walking this earth.
One can see their naivety.
Another can see their stubbornness.
Another can see their malleability.
Everyone sees something different.
The idea may attach
itself to one notion.
but be coded with
other significances.
Brilliant, as this one
thought can splinter
into many.
14.
Of what I can remember,
there's not much to say.
It started before I got there,
which wasn't good.
In-between that time and the end,
there was much going on.
People crowded half
the room and stood attentive.
My attention was split into all four directions:
north, south, east, west.
I would constantly be distracted
to turn a certain direction,
which wouldn't last for long.
There was someone behind me
having a one-sided conversation.
To my right, some stranger kept staring my way.
To my left, squirming around.
In front of me, my eyes beheld heaven.
15.
I wish I didn't let you
slip through my fingers.
Your sandiness upsets me.
I'm still convinced
you're the one for me.
(My stop watch has stopped counting the seconds.)
You were the little jewel
in my favorite necklace
that I managed to lose.
Regretfully, I think
about how I could have
been more careful and watchful.
I still find myself
blaming all my faults
on losing you.
16.
The one thing that
would made me
happy can never happen.
Someone stole him away from me.
It wouldn't have hurt so much
if I wasn't still in love with him.
I try to distance myself
from my feelings,
but I can't.
I refuse to believe that
I still love him,
but I do.
It hurts so much that
he has a new girlfriend.
I'm only hoping that
she is the one to throw him back.
17.
It echoed all the muffled sounds
it made from its fountain-like
nature.
On the floor, it poured
out all the water it could.
Water spilled out of its spout,
and with continuous motion.
Down, down, down, down.
The statue lay perfectly still
while the water was non-stop.
The little statue refused to move,
but was alive in some way.
It was frozen in features,
but had some lifelike quality.
The little statue's features
were of a young woman crying.
The water were the tears
that came from her face.
It was my face, my statue, my tears, my water.
I'm the fountain.
18.
I refuse to believe that my strength
won't carry me over to my
next point of happiness.
I will become stronger
by the end of all this.
I have the willpower
to sustain any blow.
Life throws me
curveballs to make me
realise what I need to change.
What goes down, must spring back up.
I am not a weak, insipid girl,
because this is what I have to do to evolve.
I will change
and there's nothing I can do about it.
19.
It drives me crazy to think
that someone else is repeating
the patterns I've established.
He used to take me in that car
to his house.
I know what is being done.
He waits, then picks you up.
He takes you to his grandmother's house.
Oh, no.
First, the mountains,
where he'll tease you with his tongue.
Then, comes his home,
during the hour.
Well, it's the couch,
the floor, or his bed.
You have no choice.
I'm to warn you, for
you might fall into the
same trap of becoming
blinded by lust and love.
I don't want you to be hurt
in the same way I have.
If you are,
then we'll bond together and
hurt him back.
20.
In forty-eight hours,
the strangest things can
happen ever so quickly.
Sleep usually would
take six to eight hours a day,
times two, it equals half a day
--or a half plus four.
What to do with the rest?
Let's see.
The ideal forty-eight hours would go:
forty-eight minus sixteen (for sleep)
equal thirty-two.
Thirty-two minus three hours (for sex)
equals twenty-nine.
Minus an hour (for each time a trip to the bathroom).
Minus another three for the eating.
Minus another three for the phone.
Minus another six hours for television.
The remaining eighteen hours could
be spent on any number of things.
Well, maybe not three hours for sex.
21.
I'm confused about something.
Are you still interested,
or was my friend wrong?
I called your house today.
Your grandmother answered
saying, "You got the wrong number"
then hung up.
Please, tell me the truth.
I got thrown off, since
last seeing you drive by,
and look rather happy,
while waving to me or the other person.
I could have sworn, my friend told me
the words you both exchanged
--the day before she told me.
She swore she wasn't lying,
and I believe her.
I wish my confusion
would be cleared up,
because it's not fair to
be kept wondering.
22.
Do you see that person over there?
Yes, the one with red hair and eyeglasses.
He used to love me.
I still love him and
find it so hard to let go.
There must be some
way to reach my goal.
There has to be a way.
As for now,
You name it,
I've done it.
I've thrown myself
into situations,
not including him.
It leads me nowhere.
I wish relationships that end
automatically released
the ex-lovers from the spell
they were both under.
It's not fun being in
love with someone
who has stopped loving me.
23.
Less than a week ago,
I had no idea what to write about.
I was sitting there
with someone else in the room.
Asking him what to write of,
he smiled and said
that I should write about where we were.
We were in the women's resource centre.
I felt comfortable and relaxed,
but tense since I didn't know what to feel.
A slight contradiction
of where I was.
Feminist propaganda
and blatant tools of male-bashing,
mixed with a fair-headed male
doesn't seem quite right.
I guess it's reasonable.
It was just bizarre how
a male so calm and quiet
could just sit
unpretentiously
with his laptop amidst all this.
24.
Where is this so-called
dark and mysterious quality of mine?
I can't find it in the mirror.
Everytime I look in the
silver-painted piece of glass,
I try to find out what others
can see.
I can't seem to step outside
of what I think
of myself
long enough to understand
how others perceive me to be.
All I see is the mirror
is someone who's
brunette, sometimes a wearer of glasses
and has been through emotional hell.
The mirror doesn't
show me how other people I encounter
think of me,
but what I see in reverse.
Why is that?
25.
Must I be forced to go through this again?
I know things come back to people,
but this is insane.
The first time, I was wrong.
This time, I don't know.
The message I'm getting is so clear
that I can't turn away.
It's not funny
--Or, as that quote goes
"that joke isn't funny anymore".
I feel this roller coaster
has granted me a free ride.
Now that I'm starting
all over again,
what the hell am I going to do?
If I can't get through it the first time,
how the hell can I get through it
the second time?
It's all your fault,
you pulled me in.
26.
I was watching a candle burning last night.
It was slowly making it to the bottom.
Then, while staring at it, I started crying.
I was thinking of you.
I don't know how that
candle relates to you,
but it made me think long and hard.
Candles don't last forever,
but they do stick around for some time.
Also, fire is only good when it's fed and kept alive.
I took this as a sign
that this could be us.
27.
What does it feel like?
Unless you've experienced it first-hand,
it's quite hard to explain.
I guess I'll have to do my best.
Before anything happens,
you have to make sure
you want to go through with it.
Nothing is worse than
doing something you
feel is not right.
From personal experience,
I've always felt giddy and
anxious before any clothing is shed.
The moment the first piece of clothing
is taken off, it's too late to back out.
That moment will last
as long as both of you make it.
Up until the last bit of clothing is off,
a certain excitement occurs.
Some start making love in-between
the first and last removal of clothing.
That's the norm.
From personal experience,
I've always stolen kisses
before anything happens
--which is usually how it starts.
The actual act is something
that is only as good as both
people cause it to be.
Depending on the involvement
of the people involved in this
strangely complex process,
they won't be surprised to
know each time it gets better.
I hope that helped in a way.
It's odd to try to
explain something like this.
As I've said before,
unless it's experienced beforehand,
I can't really say what happens.
Why don't you go and find out?
28.
I'm exhausted from the wait.
I just want it over with.
The day you fall in love with someone else
--that's what I'm expecting.
Everything I've ever done with you
will reflect backwards
what happened last.
The big slap in the face,
or however you look at it.
However you look at it, I lose.
Last time, I left the other for you.
This time, you leave me for the other.
I know the whole relationship.
Repetition can be so evil.
Especially in an instance like this.
I don't know how I'll react when it does,
but it will.
Whatever we have, it was doomed
from the start to become an
enclosure to the circle I began.
29.
You had a bit too much to drink that one night.
We were at this party.
I was in the bathroom,
cleaning my dress off,
after I spilled on it.
Halfway through smearing soap on it,
you came in and locked the door.
I was ignoring you, when you came over
and rubbed my exposed thighs.
You undid my hair and
sent it tumbling down my face and shoulders.
I was annoyed and surprised at such a
blatant invitation of love-making.
Your tongue found its way to my mouth.
I tasted the wine on your lips.
I never got around to rinsing off the soap.
I'm sure you remember that part.
30.
There's good qualities about being quiet.
First of all, you don't say much.
No endless and useless talking about petty subjects.
No having to explain yourself again and again and again and again.
No questions about this or that.
None of that.
Second, people assume everything of you.
Sure, some may think you are an idiot,
but most think otherwise.
It's funny to find out what character
traits people assume from silence.
Tough, shy, deep, etc.
All of us quiet people know we're
None of that.
31.
At whatever time this day last year,
I met a certain someone for the second time.
The second time of the
--so far--
three times.
I thought it odd how I could run into him again.
A similar environment,
but not the same.
Different sections, too.
Again, he was too forward and
had a problem with letting go of my hand.
Again, I felt he was a little too much.
I'm hoping there will be no more run-ins
like then, or the third
--or, even the first.
I don't like running into Psycho boy.
32.
My hair length is bothering me.
What's the point of long hair, anyways?
Sure, it could be used as a weapon
to attract some men, but really though,
what purpose does it serve?
I could understand if it was cold,
but I live in California,
where it's mostly warm and sunny.
Even then, hats serve the purpose
of keeping a skull warm.
Long dark hair does
nothing for me,
but get in the way.
I'm not saying I don't like my hair--
But, it doesn't really have a purpose there.
It just doesn't.
33.
Across the railroad tracks,
I used to clutch your hands for
fear of falling.
I'd stand opposite you,
watching with you for the train to come.
It felt like forever
with our hands intertwined.
When the train came, I let go.
I fell back onto the dirt.
My hands became empty,
but still sweaty from the contact.
I stopped laughing,
before the pain set in.
The train finished passing,
when I stood up.
You had disappeared
into thin air.
I was confused and wondering what happened,
but couldn't do anything.
Since then, I've brushed myself off and
walked away.
34.
I've had my time to think.
Since you've said, "Goodbye,"
I pondered what I think of you.
When you said what I heard you say,
I felt shock.
I wasn't sad you've left me the way you did,
because I wanted you gone.
I'll miss your drunken confessions of love,
but that's about it.
Then again, I'd call you up when I was
feeling lonely and you'd fill me with cheer.
I never saw you much after I escaped
from the hell we both didn't like.
The few times you made the effort to see me,
you always wanted to be satisfied passionately.
About three years or so down the drain,
because you're gone now.
Now, it's my turn to say it.
"Goodbye."
35.
She sat near you on the couch.
Hurting her index finger,
she put it in her mouth.
I watched you look at her.
You had a strange look on your face,
as she looked back.
She was beaming innocence.
You perverted its message.
I could only imagine
what was going on in your mind,
you sick individual.
Especially,
when you took her finger out and kissed it.
She took her hand away and
promptly slapped you squarely in the face.
36.
I laid next to you.
The sheets were white cotton
and they molded around our bodies.
The temptations was
strong to smooth away
the wrinkles your body was causing,
but I didn't.
The only thing above the sheets were my
arm and hand
while everything else was
beneath the sheets.
You warmed me quite thoroughly
and I returned the favor.
That's all that was important.
37.
I painted my toenails yesterday.
The colour is called "Lemon Twist".
When I turned them this shade of yellow,
the light I was using didn't show
the way it would look naturally.
So, I painted them twice.
They are vibrant
--as much as one could expect--
in real light.
My ten little toes look happy,
but I'm not satisfied with Lemon.
I want them Lime.
With sparkles or glitter wouldn't hurt.
38.
Up until now,
I've done normal things normal people do.
I've carried around an ashtray and used it.
I've written an eight page letter to an ex-lover
after we broke up.
I've dyed my hair without bleaching it first.
I've made out in the front seats of a car.
I've watched people come and go.
I've made a redhead blush on several occasions.
I've propositioned men in the most normal ways.
I've had my right foot bit a couple of times.
I've sucked my thumb until the age of nine.
I've had to choose between a cigarette and a kiss.
I've done...so much more than this.
39.
I've bought you a present.
It's a really naughty gift.
It wasn't originally what I planned to get.
What I originally planned to get was
the funniest thing ever to have and own.
Anyways, I was roaming a store that sells
sexual paraphernalia.
You should of been there,
because it would have stopped my purchase.
The ordeal was quite naughty,
and I'm guilty of it all.
I bought you a present.
It's a really naughty gift.
It wasn't originally what I planned to get.
I originally planned to get you a
pair of orange-with-black-stripes-furred handcuffs,
but I opted for a condom/ruler.
The funny thing is the guy who rang up
my purchase swears
I'm going to use it on my (fictititious) lover,
when it was intended for your use.
40.
The candle gave off
enough light allowing me to see you.
We were together in my room
talking and laughing quietly.
It was some late night.
I was looking at you.
The light made me feel strange.
You eyes seemed shinier and
your whispering filled my ears,
but I couldn't understand why
I was feeling the way I was.
I already knew I had
developed this crush on you,
but I was ashamed of wanting to admit it.
I didn't know what came over me,
but I couldn't resist.
I looked away,
because if I looked into your eyes,
I would have revealed myself.
I didn't want to give myself away,
because I know I shouldn't have felt that way.
41.
I think I've finally done it.
I've finally gotten over you.
I can move on.
All right, I'm lying.
I can't get over you.
The strength of my love
is still too strong.
I'm slowly sinking in this
half-empty space.
My heart is dying with me
and it's no fun.
I'm not even going to see you again.
Thanks a lot for making me convinced
you're lovable, when I know it
shouldn't be true
--on my part, at least.
I should be over you, but I'm not.
42.
I'm standing in the rain
hoping everything will wash away.
I want a complete break from it all.
I want my soul cleansed.
I know I'll become pure and innocent
from the rain.
The water will make me good again.
I want to be good again.
Everything will become untainted
and I will have a new start.
I can't take it any longer,
since I know a renewal is having hope.
To be pristine is my one wish,
but I can't stop being dirty.
I'm going to be soiled for the rest of my life.
I can't change, even with this rain.
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